ATTENDING TO DESIRABLE BEHAVIOR
(Developing an alliance)

One of the most powerful tools that we have as adults is our attention - it is the most meaningful and least expensive tool that you have! A child will work very hard to get attention from an adult (that includes both positive and negative attention). If any type of attention follows a behavior, that behavior is more likely to occur again, so use your attention wisely!

Special Time: 
To increase your child's good and okay behavior, it is important to pay attention to that behavior when it is happening. This takes practice, which we call "special time". Special time involves setting aside approximately 15 minutes (though any amount of time is good) a day with the child and letting the child decide what he or she wants to do with this time (e.g., play a game with you, play alone with toys, etc. - we discourage watching t.v. and playing video games during this time). Your job is to focus on ACTIVELY paying attention to what the child is doing. All of your attention should be on the child and his or her activity. Show the child you are attending by being on his or her level (sit on the floor), watching intently, and commenting aloud about his or her actions. Try to be an enthusiastic commentator! Pretend you are describing the child's actions to someone who can't see what is happening (e.g., "Wow, you're stacking the blocks. Now you are putting the red block on the blue block. I like watching you play!). During special time, DON'T 1) Ask questions, 2) give instructions, or 3) guide the child's behavior.

Throughout the day, watch the child and comment about what the child is doing well. Catch the child being good. Find things that are good or okay about what he or she is doing and comment on those things (covered in more detail under rewarding).

Attending not only increases good behavior, it also shows the child that you are interested in what he or she does and it builds a better relationship between you. You want to be on the same "team" working together.

Rules of Thumb:

1. Pay attention to the child when he or she is behaving appropriately. This increases the chances of good behavior in the future. 
2. Catch the child being good - don't save attention for perfect behavior. 
3. Follow the child's lead during special time. Be an attentive and appreciative audience. 
4. Use descriptive comments during special time rather than asking questions or giving instructions.
5. If you pay attention to "bad" behaviors such as whining or screaming, they will occur more often in the future.